Love's Battlefield

My partner and I have been together for just over 9 years.

As one would assume, it has not always been a clean or easy road. There have been battles. We've both made mistakes, we've both said and done mean things to one another. We've both had periods where we've lost focus as to what's important and have forgotten to communicate, which ultimately leads to a giant mess that is very difficult to clean up, and you need to decide whether or not it's worth it to make the effort.


It was worth it, and it continues to be worth it to "clean up" our relationship when it needs cleaning and to communicate about those important issues that may not always be pleasant. These could be issues as simple as making sure toilet paper rolls are refilled, or more complicated stuff disliking friends within our social circle or how and where we're spending and saving money.

We now talk about these things when issues occur, and sometimes talk it to death. But in the end, we're happier and much more aware of where the other is coming from.


This whole learning how to effectively have a "communication breakdown" didn't happen overnight, nor is it perfected. Sometimes you have to ask yourself: Do you want to take the time to go back and pick up after yourself in a relationship, cleaning the slate and starting from a cleaner, healthier place? Do you decide to throw in the towel, acknowledging that you gave it your best shot, and start from scratch? Or do you leave things in this state of disarray and let them pile up around you, like an Emotional Hoarder - surrounded in misery waiting for the relationship to end or get buried alive?


These are our choices.

A healthy, happy relationship is a lot of hard work. There's always room for improvement. It doesn't come easy and it doesn't come for free.

A friend of mine -- we'll call her Veronica -- called me today in tears. She has been with her significant other -- we'll call him Dan -- for a little over 3 years. They own a house together but aren't married, and they don't share finances.

I know that V has been frustrated for quite a while with the way things have been between the two of them. Over a few glasses of wine she's told me recently that she feels unappreciated by Dan, and that he often judged her harshly for decisions she makes. I informed her to stay honest and true to herself, and to voice her concerns to him. They're partners, I explained -- a team. She can't do it on her own, and they need to reach compromises together. That's kinda how it works. Otherwise it's like the blind leading the blind.

I should also note that I'm shocked Veronica even came to me about these issues. She's a pretty private person and a perfectionist on the surface; she judges others often but doesn't open herself up at all. Eventually, though, we all have to vent to someone, and thanks to 2 glass of Pinot Noir I happened to be that person.

I haven't spoken with Veronica much about these issues until I received the tearful phone call from her this evening. She told me that they had gotten into a giant argument this morning. She owes in for taxes this year, and she asked Dan (since he got $8,000+ back for a tax return) if she could borrow $1,200 from him.

According to Veronica, Dan exploded and "went off" on her, and told her he wasn't willing to help with her taxes since she uses her money for other things, like shopping on occasion and going out for happy hours at least once a week. He blasted her for not having the perfect credit that he does and for having debt, and said he refused to be a part of her problem.

Veronica, of course, burst into tears and locked herself in the bathroom, where she was when she called me after he stormed out of the house to go to work.

This money issue has been a continuous and recurring problem, as it is for a lot of couples. According to Veronica, they follow the same cycle too: Money is brought up, an gets mad and blames Veronica for not being responsible, Veronica cries, and hours later Dan apologizes for being a dick.


Their money mess still remains, the problem isn't solved once the waters calm. It's only a matter of time before it happens again.

Veronica acknowledged this, and said, "Why does this keep happening? What do I do?"

My advice to her was this: stop being afraid to confront the giant mess that is a giant thorn in both of your sides. Go to Dan and explain to him exactly how you feel and ask him how HE feels.

On a side note, I should add that Dan is someone who is very much so "I'm a dude, I don't talk about my problems often." Veronica is extremely passive and doesn't like to rock the boat.

These, as I explained to Veronica, are not excuses. If you are unhappy and unhealthy patterns are emerging -- which can and do happen in long term relationships -- discuss how the two of you can solve it together.

It's confrontational and scary. What if you discover that the thing that's part of the problem is an integral part of someone's personality? What if there's something you just can't and never will agree on?

Then you'll be forced to make a decision. That's part of life. But those are only some of the "what if's." There are plenty of positive possibilities, too -- like acceptance and love of that other person, and remembering why you love and respect them in the first place, and discovering what's really and truly important-- happiness.


I don't have all the answers; my partner and I both make mistakes. We aren't a Golden Couple. We can both act like giant asshats from time to time -- we're humans and we're going to make messes. These messes aren't always necessarily bad things, either; it's how we learn to grow and learn to love and even learn to fight in a clean, healthy way.


-Both pop art pieces featured in this entry are by the brilliant Roy Lichtenstein.