The ides of March

Beware the ides of March! They are soon to be upon us.

My bro Bill Shakespeare used the ominous-sounding 'ides of March' as an ominous warning spoken by a Soothsayer to Julius Caesar, who was alluding to the emperor's impending death on March 15.

According to Wikipedia, the ides of March is simply the mark of a full moon in March. I beg to differ, mostly because I'm a nerd and love my Shakespeare, but also because March kind of freaks me out. It's such a transitional month. Everything is dead and frozen, with snow occasionally thawing if we Minnesotans are lucky enough. The grass wants to break free and the trees have had enough of being naked. March is a waiting game. An in between stage.

My dad tried to kill himself on the first day of March. Over 3 1/2 hours he stood atop the Holiday Inn parking ramp in downtown Duluth, threatening to jump. The same place I had stayed when I first visited Duluth with my parents.

I can't believe it's been a year since I received that phone call from the Duluth police. I had the day off from work and had just come home from a run when I heard my phone ringing.

When the police officer spoke into the phone, giving me the gruesome details, I couldn't move. I didn't have anything to say. This wasn't my dad's first attempt. In fact, there had been about 4 serious attempts in the past few years. This time was different, though. This time I really didn't see it coming.

After his psychotic break 4 years prior to the March 1 incident in Duluth, he had been in and out of ambulances, hospitals, psych wards and group homes. He had a literal suicide attempt smorgasbord in his history: slitting his throat & wrists, taking himself off all his medication, getting frostbite and nearly losing all his fingers, and even getting a hotel room where he planned to jump off the parking ramp of the Mall of America (thanks to the police department, he never made it up there and was caught in his hotel room, emaciated and going through major withdrawal).

Since then, he'd made progress. I took him to court to have him legally committed. It worked.

On this particular March day, however, he was given a day pass at his group home. His attitude seemed on the up and up during that time, so it certainly wasn't what I expected.
The article on what happened, as well as a statement from me can be found HERE. They sum it up better than I do.

Obviously, my dad lived. I cut off all contact for months. I was so angry and so bruised. I started writing a book about him and stopped. I wasn't ready.

We're now speaking again and I see him once every 4-6 months or so. His attitude seems improved most of the time, and the man who saved his life, Chuck, has now taken him under his wing.

In fact, Chuck left me a voicemail last night asking if I'd be willing to meet for lunch every now and again to see my dad, since I haven't in about 4 months.


On paper that sounds like a great idea, but I haven't finished processing this yet. Seeing my father is much different than having a phone conversation with him.

When I see him now, he's a ghost of himself. He collapses on me and has a face full of tears. This was a man who I never saw cry once growing up and he rarely told me he loved me. Now he can't stop saying it. I can't tell if it's genuine emotion, out of guilt, or both. Either way, it's a lot to digest.

My dad has always been like my brother more than my parent, and that remains true today.

I'm working a lot on taking care of myself right now, about mindfulness and general Buddhist meditation theory and practices. I still have a lot to learn, but what I have learned is this: to have a compassionate relationship with my father, I have to be compassionate with myself as well as patient. This is going to take some time.

The ides of March do bring suffering for me, but it can also teach me everything I know to take care of myself through that suffering. I don't to let the anger control me. I'm lucky enough to still have him here, to still be able to hug him and tell him I love him. I don't want to waste that.



So, mediation and the memoir are going to be my tools. It's time to really deal with this. I think I'm ready now.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day.

We have made the voyage to our new home, all animals and most everything else in its right place. It was stressful and exhausting, but now it's amazing and wonderful. Waking up everyday in Minneapolis is like a constant Christmas morning. We have so many windows. So much light. The sounds of the city. A backyard for the dogs to run. A sunroom to enjoy coffee and watch the birds sing. The sun shines on us constantly. Our brains are mostly back to normal.

However, I'd like to take a moment to talk a bit about an incredibly brave little girl.

This morning I was snooping around on Facebook and had stumbled across a memorial link on a friend's page. Over the next hour I read about a beautiful 16 year-old girl who battled bone cancer for 6 years, over 100 radiation sessions and too many tumors to count that were found throughout her body. She passed away on Saturday and the funeral is today.

I got lost in memorial stories told by her friends and family about this phenomenal creature who battled hard and fought even harder. Can you imagine? Being 16, riddled with tumors and radiation, and through all the pain and difficult moments she knew the importance of love and living in the moment. She just knew.

Two things were inherently clear after reading these entries (some written by her about a week before she passed): she's the most courageous teenager I've ever read about in my entire life, and she had the most amazing support system I've ever seen.

Even towards the very end of her time here, the family made it very clear that all of them just wanted to enjoy one another, to just "be." That nothing needs to be "done," and often times moments are missed when that's all one is concerned about. She said at the end of it all, she wants people to learn something from this.

I certainly have.

So you see, writing a stupid blog today about all of our things on our "to do" list, our neuroses and resolvable issues regarding moving and unpacking and organizing seem not only counterproductive but ignorant, especially considering the mindset we'd like to someday achieve. It's harder for some people to do it. For us, it's hard to push through the stress and be positive and just "go with the flow" and know when to just stop and smell the roses. It's hard to put down boxes and paintbrushes and tools and step outside for a beer or a run with the dogs when we know we have stuff to do. However, we're determined to work hard at it. It's a conscious decision. Really, it's why I made this blog. When my end comes, I want to say that I've helped others, I've had the freedom to live as I choose, and that I've lived a full life.

The fact is that I am living and breathing. I'm not going through crazy amounts of chemotherapy. I have a home, and most importantly, love and the power of will and of inner peace. All of us have the chance to experience moments some never will, and need to revel in them. To respect life, to push the small stuff aside.

My girlfriend and I are not laid-back ladies. I struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder and we're both hotheads. We're both positive people but we're easily derailed. These are things we recognize and live with, and try not to feed.

However, we're human, and in stressful situations we're reminded to check ourselves a bit.

After 2 days of high anxiety (which have now been lifted) brought on by ourselves, and worrying about everyday problems and feeling maxed out from moving, reading this story about a girl with bone cancer who is more strong and mature than anyone I know was just a smack in the face. She got what she wanted; I've certainly learned something. Her message was clear: all moments will happen regardless of how you try to change them. Life just is what it is, and it's what you make of it. Stop judging everything, start enjoying everything and just let things happen. Let things be. Teach others. Learn. Help those in need. Be a good human being.

Enjoy each moment. Savor everything.

Love's Battlefield

My partner and I have been together for just over 9 years.

As one would assume, it has not always been a clean or easy road. There have been battles. We've both made mistakes, we've both said and done mean things to one another. We've both had periods where we've lost focus as to what's important and have forgotten to communicate, which ultimately leads to a giant mess that is very difficult to clean up, and you need to decide whether or not it's worth it to make the effort.


It was worth it, and it continues to be worth it to "clean up" our relationship when it needs cleaning and to communicate about those important issues that may not always be pleasant. These could be issues as simple as making sure toilet paper rolls are refilled, or more complicated stuff disliking friends within our social circle or how and where we're spending and saving money.

We now talk about these things when issues occur, and sometimes talk it to death. But in the end, we're happier and much more aware of where the other is coming from.


This whole learning how to effectively have a "communication breakdown" didn't happen overnight, nor is it perfected. Sometimes you have to ask yourself: Do you want to take the time to go back and pick up after yourself in a relationship, cleaning the slate and starting from a cleaner, healthier place? Do you decide to throw in the towel, acknowledging that you gave it your best shot, and start from scratch? Or do you leave things in this state of disarray and let them pile up around you, like an Emotional Hoarder - surrounded in misery waiting for the relationship to end or get buried alive?


These are our choices.

A healthy, happy relationship is a lot of hard work. There's always room for improvement. It doesn't come easy and it doesn't come for free.

A friend of mine -- we'll call her Veronica -- called me today in tears. She has been with her significant other -- we'll call him Dan -- for a little over 3 years. They own a house together but aren't married, and they don't share finances.

I know that V has been frustrated for quite a while with the way things have been between the two of them. Over a few glasses of wine she's told me recently that she feels unappreciated by Dan, and that he often judged her harshly for decisions she makes. I informed her to stay honest and true to herself, and to voice her concerns to him. They're partners, I explained -- a team. She can't do it on her own, and they need to reach compromises together. That's kinda how it works. Otherwise it's like the blind leading the blind.

I should also note that I'm shocked Veronica even came to me about these issues. She's a pretty private person and a perfectionist on the surface; she judges others often but doesn't open herself up at all. Eventually, though, we all have to vent to someone, and thanks to 2 glass of Pinot Noir I happened to be that person.

I haven't spoken with Veronica much about these issues until I received the tearful phone call from her this evening. She told me that they had gotten into a giant argument this morning. She owes in for taxes this year, and she asked Dan (since he got $8,000+ back for a tax return) if she could borrow $1,200 from him.

According to Veronica, Dan exploded and "went off" on her, and told her he wasn't willing to help with her taxes since she uses her money for other things, like shopping on occasion and going out for happy hours at least once a week. He blasted her for not having the perfect credit that he does and for having debt, and said he refused to be a part of her problem.

Veronica, of course, burst into tears and locked herself in the bathroom, where she was when she called me after he stormed out of the house to go to work.

This money issue has been a continuous and recurring problem, as it is for a lot of couples. According to Veronica, they follow the same cycle too: Money is brought up, an gets mad and blames Veronica for not being responsible, Veronica cries, and hours later Dan apologizes for being a dick.


Their money mess still remains, the problem isn't solved once the waters calm. It's only a matter of time before it happens again.

Veronica acknowledged this, and said, "Why does this keep happening? What do I do?"

My advice to her was this: stop being afraid to confront the giant mess that is a giant thorn in both of your sides. Go to Dan and explain to him exactly how you feel and ask him how HE feels.

On a side note, I should add that Dan is someone who is very much so "I'm a dude, I don't talk about my problems often." Veronica is extremely passive and doesn't like to rock the boat.

These, as I explained to Veronica, are not excuses. If you are unhappy and unhealthy patterns are emerging -- which can and do happen in long term relationships -- discuss how the two of you can solve it together.

It's confrontational and scary. What if you discover that the thing that's part of the problem is an integral part of someone's personality? What if there's something you just can't and never will agree on?

Then you'll be forced to make a decision. That's part of life. But those are only some of the "what if's." There are plenty of positive possibilities, too -- like acceptance and love of that other person, and remembering why you love and respect them in the first place, and discovering what's really and truly important-- happiness.


I don't have all the answers; my partner and I both make mistakes. We aren't a Golden Couple. We can both act like giant asshats from time to time -- we're humans and we're going to make messes. These messes aren't always necessarily bad things, either; it's how we learn to grow and learn to love and even learn to fight in a clean, healthy way.


-Both pop art pieces featured in this entry are by the brilliant Roy Lichtenstein.

I'm getting married/having a baby/turning 30! Give me STUFF!

I don't want to buy a ton of new stuff for our house; that's the whole purpose of this blog. I will however, need certain necessities, like shower curtains and maybe a new towel or two. Eventually, bit by bit, we will buy the very few items we would like for our house, which will hopefully last for a very long time. Practical things.

Inexpensive, local art. Plants. Things that make us happy and that serve a purpose. Things that will make our house a home.

I think my friends all think I am the most giant spaz about money and trying to stay home and save. I got an endless amount of shit for it this weekend from a former roommate of mine.

"I can't believe you're not coming out for my 30th birthday party! Everyone will be there! Wahhhhh!"

Guess what? A million of us are turning fucking 30 this year. I'm turning 30, too. With the exception of a few really good friends (new duplexmates and a BFF) I am NOT participating in every. single. fucking 30th birthday party that is going on, as I'm moving in a month and trying to save money.

"Let's go to Uptown and go out to eat and drink until we shit ourselves to celebrate! Buy me a gift, too!"

Yeah, I'll get right on that. You and the 92387892374 other people who want the exact same thing at the exact same time.

I feel like I'm getting the bulk of invites for all this stuff at the worst possible time, too. We're moving a month from Wednesday and need to keep saving money. We've hired movers because I don't want scuffed walls and broken furniture from my male friends whom I love but handle our belongings carelessly. Morgan's mom has offered to help some with the move, which is incredibly kind of her and wasn't expected. Other than that, we're doing it on our own.

I don't know why friends aren't being more understanding of this. "Oh, just come out for a drink and dinner!"

Seriously? A drink and dinner is about 20-30 bucks. If Morgan and I both go, it's double that. Plus I'll be getting you a gift for whatever said event this is. If I say yes to this one, I have to say yes to the rest of them since these are all people who hang together. NO.

Then there's the never ending baby showers/wedding showers/bachelorette parties/weddings. FUCKING. A. MAN. I am so sick of doling out money for every single one of these events. I am officially on hiatus from all of them, minus the three I have already RSVPed to. In the springtime, these invites come in droves.

Like my mom, who has decided to get married during the peak of foliage in Vermont! It's in a remote area that you can't fly directly into, and hotel rooms are around 250 bucks A night.

That's really great. You just expect people to do this for you? My mom can't even pay for the DJ but she expects us to gladly take off lots of time from work and spend money out of our asses for an endless amount of things she wants, that she herself cannot afford.

Or an evite I recently received for a bachelorette party that said "The bride-to-be doesn't want you to spend a lot of money, so please just get her lingerie for her honeymoon and keep it around or under 30 bucks."

This made me laugh so hard I farted.

Are you kidding me? How is that cheap? And for something that is going to be given to you in mass quantity and will be utilized what, 1 time each? I may as well just hand you some money and set it on fire. If they asked for a donation to a favorite charity or a practical household item, I'd probably feel a lot differently about it, but even then I may ask if I could participate after the May move.

I realize I may sound like a greedy, money grubbing woman who is holding fast to money like it's my last saving grace, but I don't really care.

Morgan and I will be together officially for 10 years in February. We should throw a party to get some free shit, too. So should anyone who is single, or just plain living in any way, shape, or form, and taking care of themselves, just to get some fucking kickback for those of us who have had to pay out in mass quantities to all of these events.

This isn't me being greedy, this is me being fed up with people wanting to be rewarded for getting married and adding on to the already overabundant population, and any other life-changing events that may happen to some of us. I am not a confrontational person, but I'm getting there. The next time I hear someone say "Aw, you can't make it to such and such? why not?"

Why not? Because everyone wants a handout! Everyone wants shit for getting married/having a kid/hitting a landmark birthday. Mama Tara's purse is closed for business.

I also understand these people are super happy and excited about these life-changing events, whatever they may be. Great! I'm truly happy for you! I'm excited for mine, too! However, no one's throwing me a "you're moving to a place closer to work and not getting married or having kids" party.

The thing is, I'd never expect someone to give me something for any of those things. A flock of soon to be married/babied/30'ed people shouldn't expect it from every single person they know, either. I truly do appreciate your thought to include me, but sometimes we can't do it all. Growing older has shown me two important things:

• you don't need to accumulate "stuff" to make you happy, and
  
• don't force yourself to do things you don't want to do or are financially unable to do.
  

It doesn't mean I don't love these people. It means I don't need to show my affection with an endless barrage of gifts and money.

Once we're moved into our new place in Minneapolis, we're going to throw a party.
We won't ask for a gift.
If you can't make it, there will be no badgering and no guilt trips.
I promise you, we'll understand.

Mistress Cleanlove or: How I Learned to Stop Cluttering and Love the Nothingness

In eager anticipation of a move in just over a month from the bland suburbs to the Big City (Minneapolis), I have been mulling through design websites and magazines in hopes of killing our clutterbug tendencies. At the moment, we're in a cramped townhome that we outgrew about 2 years ago. The space we're moving into is going to be a completely refinished Midtown Minneapolis duplex. The other half of the duplex will be occupied by two fabulous female friends of ours. The house has a lot of windows (oh how I missed windows), lots of open space as well as beautiful new and restored hardwood floors. It's a dream house for us. So we decided, what better time than now to start designing a minimalist space for ourselves?

This does not come easily for myself or my partner. We both have mothers who collect various non-necessities and have a house full o' crap. Whether or not we like to admit it, we do too on occasion. The difference is, we don't want all this stuff. We really don't. Of course, these physical things we all tend to collect over the years are just a sign for emotional stuff that people push onto those items instead of just dealing with the problem directly.


The purpose of this blog is also to remove emotional bullshit clutter. Those people who seem to just take up space and don't really provide anything substantial or meaningful. Out with the old if it doesn't help you or serve a purpose. The core stays and we make room for new people and new experiences.

It's hard to find a space for it all and hard to decide what stays and what goes! I've begun the painstaking process of packing which has allowed me to toss plenty of things we don't use or wouldn't miss, but I've also discovered emotional attachments to some items that don't even really make sense. A recorded cassette tape of old radio songs and a torn but rare 'Under the Pink' Tori Amos poster I bought in London when I was 16. Would I miss these things if they were gone?

These are the difficult decisions I'll need to make as I decide once and for all what stays and what goes.

With the help of some web guides and motivational friends/stories/pictures, we're hoping to obtain a peaceful, minimalist space; where creativity and happiness can thrive and stress levels can decrease. Clean lines and open space make a happy space, in my opinion, and my partner and I are both Leos and both semi-hotheads who could do with a little more Zen and peace in our lives. I'm sure our 2 dogs and 2 cats would appreciate that as well.

As far as minimalist design goes, I want clean but not cold. I want warm woods and tones and pictures that center the attention. I'll drop pictures of stuff I love here from time to time.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

First, we begin the dis-assembly of our current abode, and start tossing. Wish us luck.